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05:23 am
6/28/08

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littlelemonhead
I feel like...
Its been forever since I've been on here. My life has been kind of crazy since my last post in November. I live in New York now, Chris and I broke up what seems like forever ago and it was quite liberating. I was working at a hookah lounge to start myself out now and now I'm doing visual design at a clothing store on 5th ave. I'll actually be in Oregon for a visit July 1st and I'm overly excited about it. I'm pretty homesick. I like it here and all but the majority of the people I've met here are stuck in this young party-all-the-time mentality and I suppose I shouldve expected that.

Oh yes and I've fallen in love with Coney Island...
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Oh and I met the lego Potters...
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And here are a few others..

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and my rabbit in a hat...

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Current Location:
 queens, new york. my couch.
Current Mood:
 chill
Current Music:
 ben.e.king
* * *
11:57 pm
11/1/07

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littlelemonhead
(no subject)
I feel like death.
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05:09 pm
10/30/07

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littlelemonhead
new york, new york
chris is over in new york right now and has been looking for an apartment for us. well today he found one, its in astoria which is part of queens. from what he said it sounds really nice. everythings starting to be so real and i'm really excited. i just wish i hadnt had so many medical bills so that i can move when he does :( oh well though, its worth waiting. being back in salem for about two months now has been quite an experience. i lost some old amazing friends to bad habbits and anger and gained new ones that actually seem to care. i've seen rachel a few times now and its not the same as it used to be. it doesnt feel like a year since i'd seen her but i dont feel close to her at all and i feel like shes judging me. i guess i cant expect anything though, rachel and i have had a lot of problems in the past and we've both grown seperate ways. it kind of bothers me that she acts like she's been gone from oregon forever and that i've been here the whole time. i left almost a year before her.. and she got mad i didnt make more of an effort to see her when she got here but she never once visited me in seattle before she moved.. i guess i shouldve seen this coming.
anyway i'm really excited for new york and it'll be fun to have my first season there be christmas. i've always wanted to spend christmas in new york.
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10:09 pm
7/8/07

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littlelemonhead
(no subject)
Just got back from Oregon the other day. Went there for my 21st and to see my amazing boyfriend. God Ive missed him so much. I hope the 3000 miles between lessens soon because he is seriously the best thing ever. I still have so much fun with him, no matter what. It's kind of ridiculous. I love him to death. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh <3
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01:44 pm
5/17/07

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littlelemonhead
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Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

-website isnt up yet
Current Music:
 matisyahu
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01:11 am
5/16/07

1 comment
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littlelemonhead
(no subject)
Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket


new source of transportation
Current Music:
 family guy
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04:58 pm
5/1/07

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littlelemonhead
(no subject)
i have been working my ass off the last few weeks, such long hours and so little sleep. its killing meeee. i'm always tired physically and mentally. im getting over emotional because of lack of sleep and am always feeling gross and ugly. i wish chris lived closer, it'd be a lot easier to work this much if i had someone here i cared about. i need to start figuring out what the hell i want to do with myself, i feel so worthless
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03:29 am
4/15/07

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littlelemonhead
...
my favorite

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

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ah man i already miss him so much.

Current Music:
 feist
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05:07 pm
4/14/07

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littlelemonhead
(no subject)
i stopped drinking diet coke. this sucks. but i kind of had to, the aspartame gave me an ulcer.
Current Music:
 eskimo & sons
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04:15 pm
4/13/07

1 comment
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littlelemonhead
back again
got home from oregon two days ago from staying with chris. it was amazing, i didnt want to come home. i always have so much fun with him, i hate that he's so far away. but its been two days, and i'm still smiling from seeing him. he is amazing, i love him so much
Current Music:
 eskimo & sons
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05:56 am
4/4/07

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littlelemonhead
You know...
It really pisses me off that Jono would just take his life away like that. I've watched people so incredibly young with so many dreams not even have a chance. I watched my friend die from cancer. He would've given anything to live a full life but he didn't have that chance. I've watched several friends die at such a young age. I've heard them talk about all the things they want out of life and I see it taken away from them so early. He had a chance and he threw it away. Not only taking away an amazing life he could've made for himself, but causing pain to all his friends and family. Its so selfish to do something like that. I know he was depressed, but we're in our teens & twenties. These years are supposed to be full of difficulties. And I know he wasnt COMPLETELY hopeless either. He talked to me about studying film. He told me he was supposed to meet the writer of Rebel Without a Cause, he was SO excited for it. I know I'm not in his head and I can't ever fully understand the things he was going through... but it just seems like so early to give up. Its so sad to think that someone so young, nineteen years, has no hope for a better life. ... I need to stop writing & thinking about this, I'm pissing myself off.
Current Music:
 air
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03:44 am
4/1/07

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littlelemonhead
...
I'm glad things are back to normal with chris and i.

Jono's funeral is on wednesday, eliots flying in to go, so i'm going with him.
Why does Jono have to be such an idiot.

I move into my new apt tomorrow.
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03:17 am
3/30/07

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littlelemonhead
i dont understand
.. how things end up like this. i'm in such shock. my friend killed himself last night. i just found out... i only knew him a few months but he was always a lot of fun. SO much energy, really loud, sometimes annoying haha but who isnt. he had been through a lot in his life and it seemed like he was doing better... since i stopped working at the capital hill hookah lounge (where he was a regular) and started working at the rabbit hole again, i hadn't seen much of him lately. however i did see him walking two nights ago when i was waiting for my bus. there was a lot of traffic and he was across the street so i didnt bother to yell across to say hi, i thought i'd run into him again soon. :(
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04:16 am
3/24/07

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littlelemonhead
...
I need to get a job so I stop focusing on things that upset me. Like the current Florida situation. He said he wants me to visit him while he's in Salem, so I think I'll do that... since I wouldnt get to see him till the summer otherwise. I feel kinda lame though.. like a puppy wimpering following its owner. Haha god, oh well. Hopefully he figures out what he wants soon so I can just get over it. Not like I'd date anyone else anyways. AHHH what is wrong with me, I'm such an idiot.
Current Music:
 matisyahu
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04:58 am
3/21/07

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littlelemonhead
(no subject)
God its nice to be home. Not the home part, but the friends. A lot of the people left in Salem I dont know that well but they're always so nice and they always invite me to hang out while I'm here and I really appreciate it. People I meet in Seattle aren't like that at all, they're all just about sex, and it's kind of annoying. I played frisbee today! And I totally sucked at first, but I was better than Mike at the end (which doesnt say much haha). And then I danced to michael jackson, metal, and some weird break dance music all night at Allen's. Lyle's got himself a lady haha its awesome. Awkward pair but they're cute. I never really knew how cool she was either until the past few days. Chris hasn't talked to me in a few days. I dont really know why since he said he wanted to stay friends (but isnt that just what everyone says?) but I'm not really going to worry about it. I was crazy to think that it could last for another year and a half with out ever seeing him. I just hope whatever girl he's with is good enough for him because he's pretty awesome. Being back here was just the thing I needed to get me over being down about that. Put things in perspective for me.
Current Music:
 matisyahu
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12:19 pm
3/17/07

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littlelemonhead
(no subject)
Work last night was definitely interesting. Busy as all Fridays are. Which I usually work with Sam but after doing absolutely nothing and taking out the wrong orders to about ten groups, she said she felt too sick to work. So I told her to stop working and I was behind all night because we were having a rush as I was fixing all the wrong hookah orders... fun. Tiring to say the least. But hey on the up side I was busy working and didn't have time to think about anything else!

It's going to be really nice to go to Salem tomorrow. I hope the few friends I have that still live in that area will be able to hang out. If not I'll just bug my brother the whole time I'm there. I wish Racheeeeellll would be there :/ oh well, I'll just have to fly & see her sometime.

Everything... has kind of really made me appreciate the friends I have a lot more.

Current Music:
 muse
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04:00 pm
3/16/07

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littlelemonhead
(no subject)
I dont know what to do...

There's nothing I can do.

I feel so helpless. I hate this. I hate that this is happening.
This isn't how it's supposed to be.
I want to fix it. I want to be with him but he doesnt want that anymore.
ALKJDf;l FUCK why didnt I just tell I would wait those 2 years for him.
Because I KNOW I would, because I honest to fucking God can't look at anyone else.
When he told me he met someone else I felt like I fucking died.
My stomach hurt so bad and I instantly teared up. It was horrible.
I dont want to ever feel like that... like this... EVER.

He's my BEST FRIEND. He's the only person I've ever really fully trusted and the only person I ever felt like really always cared about me. There have been so many times in these past 3 weeks that I've wanted to talk to him about getting back together but he was always busy with one thing or another and I never felt like I had to rush it.

dkfa;slkdj god dammit.
someone needs to slap me.
* * *
07:36 pm
3/15/07

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littlelemonhead
(no subject)
asldkjflsakdjf;laskjs;dlkfj ahhhhhhhhhhh.

he met someone else :(

& he just wants to be friends.

i cant think straight.
i feel so sick.
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10:25 am
3/12/07

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littlelemonhead
(no subject)
YAY
I get to see Christophhherrr during spring break!
I'm so excited, it feels like forever since I've seen him.

He said I could stay at his parents since I dont talk to my family really and that way we could see each other the whole time I'm there. It'll be a little weird, I've never really met his parents, but I just want to see him.

Ive been really wanting to talk to him about getting back together. Breaking up was such a stupid thing for me to do. I still love him just as much as ever and I still only want him. I dont want to date anyone else and I should know myself well enough to know that I wont date. He's the only person I ever think about and the only person I honest to God want to be with. He's perfect.

But hey spring break isn't too far away..

Current Music:
 Courtney
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10:46 am
3/3/07

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littlelemonhead
(no subject)
i miss chris.

i want to visit rachel.

i can't sleep very well.

i need a new job.

i wish he would talk to me.

i hope he knows I still love him.

i don't feel any different at all and I still care about him just as much.

--why am I so stupid.
--why can't I just let it work.
--i know it would.
--i know it will.
--i just want to fix it.
--i want him back.
--i want to tell him I love him.

Current Music:
 courtney
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